Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I posted a joke over on a blog about Mormonism. Not the crassest joke (not by a long shot), but I shouldn't have.
I fell back on the same old same old that everyone finds to laugh about. I laugh about it. I think you would be hard pressed to find someone who laughs at themselves more than I do.
Then I found this in an old file I was cleaning out:
I don't cry. Emotional, yes. Cryer? VERY rare.
I know that this seems a very serious response for a little joke (and probably why we are not thought of as funny.)
It really has more to do with ME and my lack of principles and knowing who I am that is the issue than any religion.
I have such respect for anyone who fights for their beliefs, whether it is country, religion, feminism, or just trying to find their own piece of mind. WHY is it so hard for me to do the same?
Why is it so difficult to talk about being a Mormon?
I can talk about my struggles with being LDS (I've had a lot) and the "Issues" I have with the church (Again, I've had a lot) FAR easier than I can about WHERE I am in journey of mucking and sorting all this out in my soul, WHY I am going back, WHAT I believe and HOW I am a coward who is terrified of it all.
Is it really so important that I be "Liked" by everyone??? Am I really THAT scared that someone with think "She is closed minded? What a weirdo (NOT in a good way) or that I am of inferior intellect because I not only am wanting to be in organized religion, but it is THAT religion."
Why is that more important to me than showing a modicum of respect for my heritage, let alone people I love, respect and cherish? They have seen me through such tremendous hell and they deserve better. NONE of them would say, "Hey, Lo! Found the funniest joke about bipolars who can't shut up! OH, AND ...this is the really funny part...they are an adulterous whore as well! Funny, huh!", yet I go and do that to them. Talk about bitin' the hand that feeds you.
I suck and I'm sorry.
I had this long drawn out post about Mormon history(obsessive research, remember?), the thousands that have died trying to live their faith and the law that allowed legal murder of Mormons in Missouri, comparisons to the pilgrams, my religon being the sole reason my anti-Mormon grandmother did not love me...blah blah blah blah....
Nah. That isn't even the point of this all. The point is that I am actually growing a spine for once in my life and having a moment of belief here.
I think I may go make a Jello-salad.