Mormons
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I posted a joke over on a blog about Mormonism. Not the crassest joke (not by a long shot), but I shouldn't have.
I fell back on the same old same old that everyone finds to laugh about. I laugh about it. I think you would be hard pressed to find someone who laughs at themselves more than I do.
Then I found this in an old file I was cleaning out:
I bawled.
I don't cry. Emotional, yes. Cryer? VERY rare.
I know that this seems a very serious response for a little joke (and probably why we are not thought of as funny.)
It really has more to do with ME and my lack of principles and knowing who I am that is the issue than any religion.
I have such respect for anyone who fights for their beliefs, whether it is country, religion, feminism, or just trying to find their own piece of mind. WHY is it so hard for me to do the same?
Why is it so difficult to talk about being a Mormon?
I can talk about my struggles with being LDS (I've had a lot) and the "Issues" I have with the church (Again, I've had a lot) FAR easier than I can about WHERE I am in journey of mucking and sorting all this out in my soul, WHY I am going back, WHAT I believe and HOW I am a coward who is terrified of it all.
Is it really so important that I be "Liked" by everyone??? Am I really THAT scared that someone with think "She is closed minded? What a weirdo (NOT in a good way) or that I am of inferior intellect because I not only am wanting to be in organized religion, but it is THAT religion."
Why is that more important to me than showing a modicum of respect for my heritage, let alone people I love, respect and cherish? They have seen me through such tremendous hell and they deserve better. NONE of them would say, "Hey, Lo! Found the funniest joke about bipolars who can't shut up! OH, AND ...this is the really funny part...they are an adulterous whore as well! Funny, huh!", yet I go and do that to them. Talk about bitin' the hand that feeds you.
I suck and I'm sorry.
I had this long drawn out post about Mormon history(obsessive research, remember?), the thousands that have died trying to live their faith and the law that allowed legal murder of Mormons in Missouri, comparisons to the pilgrams, my religon being the sole reason my anti-Mormon grandmother did not love me...blah blah blah blah....
Nah. That isn't even the point of this all. The point is that I am actually growing a spine for once in my life and having a moment of belief here.
Feels GOOD.
I think I may go make a Jello-salad.
17 Comments :
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At 1:18 PM ,
said...
Good, others commented first so I can now open my yap.
I have always admired and loved you. This post affirms it. You have never batted an eye at the individual way I live my life and I respect the hell out of that.
Most Mormons annoy me. Living in this state is hard. I can't help it. I feel like a lot of them cross the line from sharing belief to forcing belief. It isn't really personal. This would probably happen in any community that is dominated by one culture or religion.
IMO, The Mormons could use more like you. I think you provide a unique service.
You don't scare non-mormons. You own the stuff you do. You don't put bad energy into the world. You don't make anyone feel inferior for going a different way. You can be loved by people like me who CHOOSE to be around you.
You do go back and forth a lot. Who doesn't? You are coming out of pure HELL right now and have earned the right to waffle, bounce and figure out what you think and believe. You are on "Jello" right now-sorry, couldn't help it_
I admire that you can be honest and say that you err or have gone too far to be comfortable and that has helped people.
You help me every day here, you just don't know it. I laugh, cry, think, identify with and love this internet-home you have made for us all to visit.
Keep it up and we will have to have a 12-step program to stop the addiction of you!
Good job. -
Whoa! I'm pretty sure you realize this already, but after this post, I wanted to make sure you know that anything I said was in the spirit of our "fun" little blogging banter.
Then again, you said you've read into my archives, so you probably realize that I make fun of everything and everyone (especially myself). I doubt you would get the wrong idea. -
At 2:02 PM ,
Loralee Choate said...
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At 2:15 PM ,
Loralee Choate said...
Alex-
Sorry you got got in the crossfire of my torrid emotions. :D
I know you look at most stuff in a comic light. It is one reason I love reading your stuff. I do the same thing, but I do it too much.
When I started this place I did it to put words to the huge conflicting range of stuff I feel. I vowed that if I really felt some way I would write about it as honestly as I could.
I felt bad posting that joke.
So, what to do? I started to write and ask you to take it off and I just.got.scared.
The fact that just saying, "Dude. I suck and pushed it further than I feel good about and WHY" made me so frightened really spoke to me about how I need to work some stuff out AND speak up for once about this issue I have.
You are a very nice guy...really, most people who read my stuff are. So why get freaked?
It just started me thinking about how much I rely on humour but that there I can go to far...etc.
It has been completely theraputic for me and I the fact that I was spiritually touched to the point I cried has maybe happened to me TWO whole times in my life, so I am GRATEFUL.
That said---
Who knew that you having a healthy appreciation for my rear end would have taken us so far???? :D -
At 2:31 PM ,
Loralee Choate said...
P.S.S
Thanks you-know-who. I think you are swell too.
We've talked about this before.
And I will remind you that YOU were the one that pointed out my conflict wasn't even necessarily about a certain religon as the fact that I need to figure stuff out for myself and not be so scared of people and what they think...Either way I go.
Can you believe I actually (and finally)said something about this subject and didn't spontaneously combust?
I should have trusted you more about the value others have about "figuring out their own shit"
Thanks for opening your yap. -
At 2:35 PM ,
Loralee Choate said...
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At 3:41 PM ,
Loralee Choate said...
Utah is the highest consumer of jello in the world. It is also the only state where LIME is the preferred choice. BLECK. A lot is said about Mormons and Jello.
I am a fan of jello on occasion. You just would not believe the way some people can bastardize it.
It seems like other religons are afflicted with gross jello salads at church functions as well.
Here I was, thinking most had been spared... -
At 3:51 PM ,
said...
Fantastic entree Loralee, I understand how hard it can be living outside but in the church, and how easy it can be to just push it out, or even mock it. But I admire your ability to come to terms with how you really feel. Most people just don't have the guts.
P.S. I think that cottage cheese is about the worst thing you could do to jello, right up there with carrot sticks. YUCK. -
At 7:04 PM ,
said...
Can I just say that I love you? The fact that you can get so choked up and concerned is so sweet, but I think I love you the most for somehow guiding this conversation into this intriguing topic of your butt merged with jello?
Seriously, though. I spent some time checking your fellow jello crowd out.
I really liked what Sue had to say about the whole thing on her blog and I am interested to see what you will be posting later about it.
Stacy
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Loralee, your allowed to feel conflicted about things. Coming back to a faith is hard under any circumstances and your doing it publicly which makes it much harder. It is hard to feel that the world at large hates something you value (at whatever level) and it's easy to devalue those things yourself when your not sure how people will react. The fact is some people hate/dislike mormonism and mormons and thats okay. You just have to do what you feel (deep inside where no one sees) is right (seriously--whatever that is!). Those who truly love you will continue to love you no matter what. As someone who is also making her way back, I totally understand the desire to minimize and even mock your beliefs and it's so easy meld with your audience. Don't beat your self up about it, take your time to figure out how you feel and it's okay if that changes from day to day. I don't envy you the position of doing this so publicly on your blog but I understand cause I'm doing it too (it's just more hidden).